Where did my self control go?

Well I was doing amazing. And no you're not re-reading Lazy's blog. The funny thing is we both had errors on the same day.  Mine were partly out of frustration and partly over the fact that I have been feeling like I am starving all the time. I wake up in the middle of the night hungry.  I remember the last time I was hungry the first week and never felt satisfy or full with my food, but I don't remember it being this bad. 

The only rule that I have bent until yesterday is the one about organic eating.  It is really expensive and really hard to eat purely organic so this time unlike last time I made the exception to help out my not bottomless money fund.  (If anyone has the winning lottery ticket they want to share with me, I will eat organic for the rest of the year.) I've been taking my antiox pills and my LV-GB pills, which can I tell you they smell bad and they taste worse.  Swallow them fast because they will start to dissolve on your mouth! I skipped the red meat at family dinner and the onions that were grilled in butter. I had no issue skipping the bowls and bowls of candy and cookies etc at my grandmas house while helping her take down Christmas decorations.  I went out to eat at Chows (if you do not know of this place check it out! Organic foods! One in Danville and another in Lafayette. ) and I resisted the urge to just get a sammich or yummy pasta or so many other things they had to offer. I stuck with my plain jane grilled chicken with no sauce or seasoning and plain jane steamed broccoli.  I've found some things that I can snack on okay throughout the day as I start to feel dizzy and super hunger like some almonds.  I've even been starting each day with the dreaded cup of hot water complete with Cayenne pepper and lemon juice. I've been dead on with my calories. 

But yesterday was different.

I hurt my back  a couple days ago and have been bummed out that I cannot get my cardio in.  On top of that I'm not losing weight. Last time around I lost a pound to two pounds a day.  I'm devastated! I started the morning feeling super hungry and unlike the previous few days was craving all the wrong things. When certain things are pulled from your diet its funny how you start craving them.  A glass of Milk.  Simple, doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think I would kill a bunny for a class of milk right now.  I'm a huge milk drinker.  Well big on dairy period! Cheese. I miss my cheese. I made taco salad the other night and watched as the BF piled large amounts of cheese and sour cream onto his plate and man I was jealous. My taco salad consisted of the veggies and the meat.  Not only did I want dairy, I wanted bread. Just a piece of it.  Hell even just a bite of it.

No I didn't go down and make myself a grilled cheese sammich with a glass of milk.  Although I really wanted to.

My mistake came yesterday afternoon. I was starving.  I had run errands all day, forgot to pack myself a snack for my purse and just needed food.  I was at the point where I was starting to get a headache and was a little dizzy. My mom and I ran into Target to grab some things and I walked isle to isle trying to find something I felt was acceptable to eat. After much searching I was empty handed at the check out lane. But then I saw them.  Cuties. Little small delicious oranges. A giant box of Cuties. Well, my brain starts thinking.  Raw, fruit, I'm good. I buy the box and I'm guarding these things with my life. We get out to the car, the kid is in, the bags are in, I get in and buckle up and stare at my oranges.

I start eating them.  One of the things I hate about oranges is peeling them.  I've never been very good at it and I always have so much skin left on the orange that it doesn't taste very good. But cuties are different. They peel like a knife cuts through butter. And after not having any sugar for days, they taste like the sweetest thing I have ever had in my life.  I must say this is one of the good things of this diet.  You really can start to taste your food. I ate a good 8 of these things (Side note- I have no idea how many calories each of these things is nor do I want to. They are going to be my dirty little secret on the rest of this cleanse.) 

We met up with my grandparents to help out with some things they had going on and they suggested lunch.  I was hoping they would remember that Chows was one of the few places I could and should eat but they didn't, and as they had just gone to Chows with me I felt bad suggesting it.  First suggestion was a Chinese restaurant.  Ehhh, I can get rice.  Most likely I could not eat anything else as it has soy in it.  I'm okay with rice, I'm just starving. Somehow my mom got them to realize I could not eat much there so they said "how about Max's?"  I don't know if you're from the area or not but Max's has a slogan and its "This is a bad place for a diet".  They are not kidding.  The proportions are huge and you would probably die if you knew the calorie count of what you were consuming. However I knew they had steamed veggies and grilled chicken.  I was good.

I have to torture myself by looking over the menu and all the delicious food they have.  I was shocked to find they have a gluten free menu! However I still could not eat anything on it- gluten free but full of dairy and soy. However I would have to remember this for later on in the year. When it was time to order I stressed to the waiter that I had an Allergy to Gluten, Soy and Dairy. No I know I'm not allergic to soy or dairy, but I've found its really the only way in a restaurant to make sure your food does not contain these things.  They never seem to take diets seriously enough to make sure your food wasn't cooked in butter, but if you tell them you're allergic to it, they will even have the chef come out to let you know it was cooked properly.  I asked for chicken breast grilled with no sauce or seasoning, and plain steamed broccoli again with no sauce or seasoning. 

It looked so good! I ate so quickly and was not even close to full.  And there staring in front of me was my daughters french fries.  Can you see them up there in that picture.  Right there in the background.  They are like calling to me.  When the waiter came back I asked them what kind of oil they use to fry things.  Olive Oil.  Hey! I can have that!  Starches are on the avoid list, but last time I had the occasional serving of sweet potato fries. I look at my mom and she helps me justify it.  It is fried in olive oil after all and I can have that. I resisted temptation for a good 10-15 minutes while everyone else was still eating. I thought about ordering another chicken breast, which would have been the smart thing to do.  However I sat there staring at these fries like they were the first ones I had ever seen in my life.  I broke down.  They were telling me to eat them.  I swear.  One got up off the plate did this little dance and told me to eat it.  I ate a serving of fries and immediately felt guilty.  That was the last thing I ate yesterday.  I realized the amount of calories I took in was most likely way over my goal and it was better to just live off water for the rest of the night. 

My plan to keep this from happening again- keep some cuties in my purse so I don't get starving.  That and some almonds. They are a great snack and the protein is great.  And, I'm going to start with my meal replacement shakes today.  Its a few days early, but I think I need to start getting in a quick and easy meal throughout the day to help curve my appetite.  I'm also hoping Lazy and I can get into one of our classes at the gym we used to take.