While Fatty was working hard on this, I ate chips.

The Rules- every game has them.

Warning: This blog is more informative than funny...the funny is coming however, just wait for the post about our first day back at the gym.

First and foremost- if you're reading this and like either myself or Lazy Ass, do us some mad props and click that "Join this site" button over there to the right. We really appreciate it! Thanks to Mama Kas for being our first follower! We thought about rewarding you by letting you come take our "before" pictures- but then we realized thats more of a punishment than a reward.

Second: Are you following along with us because you are going to do what we do? Let us know! We have some ideas up our sleeves and it would be great to know how many people are doing the cleanse, diet, working out, lifestyle change right along with us. Also please check with your medical peeps before starting anything like this. We were under supervision of a trainer and a nutritionist during our first go at cleanse.

Okay- Onto the blog now :)

So I was going through my massive box of paperwork (I stopped trying to stay on top of shredding and just have been throwing everything in a bin in the garage for a few months now, its great, I don't see it so I don't worry about it!) The one good thing is that I knew exactly where to find my rule book for the month of January.

So here it is...the almighty Bible of the 28 day PaleoCleanse. As you can see its pretty worn down- I actually used it! For those of you who have no idea what this is about- I am going to let you in on it. We had to pay money to get this 11 page pamphlet but I'm going to give it to you for free, little by little so you have to keep coming back and reading.

Paleo stands for paleolithic. Its based on the concept that the human body has not changed the way it digests food since the paleolithic era. It was a great class/seminar learning all about this. Our bodies are not meant nor designed to digest things like processed foods, so by eating them we are harming our bodies. Or so they say. I still vote that cake from a box tastes pretty damn good.

This part of what we are doing in our massive lifestyle change is the CLEANSE. It is not designed to be done forever but jump start a new lifestyle. It detoxifies your body and gets all the bad things out of your system so you can happily (kinda) live without it all.

Each week there are different things that are added into the cleanse. Starting Week 1 aka "pre-cleanse week" (days 1-7) Lazy and I are to follow and adhere to the strict diet. On top of that we are to be taking our LV-GB pills (Liver & Gallbladder cleanse pills) and our Antioxidant pills. 2 of each, daily. I can hear you- LV-GB pills? Where do I get those? Well we got ours at the R-Spa at Club Sport in Walnut Creek. They sell all the paleo cleanse stuff there. If you're not near walnut Creek- You can find the Paleo stuff all over- even Amazon. Here is a link to the Ultimate Antiox Full Spectrum, and the LV-GB Complex pills.

Here are pictures of the bottles for the LV-GB & the Antioxidant Pills.

Here is everything else we will be using throughout the month.

-PaleoCleanse

-PaleoMeal (I think I used 2 of these last time) Go with the Chocolate- you'll thank me

-PaleoFiber

-OmegAvail Lemon Drop (this is a liquid I hated the taste- I'm going for the pills this time.)

-PaleoGreens (Optional) This is a serving of veggies that you can mix in with your shake. This can be important when you are mostly living off shakes and need to get your greens in. They say we can just take them without mixing them- I think they taste horrible either way. I do my best to get my greens in without needing to take this.

-PaleoRed (Optional) Like the greens- but this is a serving of fruits. We didn't really use these last time as we mixed fruits into our shakes and got our servings of them this way.

Let me forewarn you: I came up with a great slogan last time I was doing this after a few times of trying to explain the rules to people who asked. "Pretty much if it tastes good- I can't eat it". Sounds harsh and it is not exactly true, If you're like us and have been eating all these horrible things (as listed below) food will taste pretty bland and not so good at first. By the end of these four weeks this food will be amazing and I will be wondering how I could ever have eaten a piece of cake. That is until you finally break down and eat that piece of cake...then it's like so good. But that's not going to happen this time...

So lets get to the game plan. This is where I'm going to lose a lot of you...but I assure you this is doable. Lazy and I did this last year! It was horrible but great by the end of it. I cannot even begin to explain to you how great I felt by the end of it. THE RULES are as follows. These rules start Week 1- January 1st 2012. There are eleven of them and I provide some info after each one. Skip to the bottom if you want to just get a quick re-cap of the rules. :-) Although I know none of you will do this since you are all so eager to read every single word I write.

#1: NO Gluten! This is the biggest and hardest part of this whole thing. Gluten is in everything! And believe me- you love it.  No wheat, oats, rye and barley. No bread people. This is horrible. I'm a Huge bread person. I love me some sammiches. Some okay things you can eat are brown rice, millet, quinoa, wild rice and cornmeal. Here is some boring statistics for you from Celiac.com:

"Recent studies and advances in diagnosis show that at least 3 million Americans, or about 1 in 133 people have celiac disease, but only 1-in-4,700 is ever diagnosed."

You might be thinking - Well Fatty, I don't have Celiac's. Let me tell you the way it was explained to me. Everyone is intolerant to Gluten. Just like everyone is intolerant to lactose. The difference is how tolerant you are. Some people might be able to go their whole lives without having an issue with gluten. However, some people might have Celiac's or a higher intolerance and never show symptoms of what its doing to your body.

So what might be going on if you are eating Gluten and you have Celiac's or you are intolerant? Bloating. Stomach Pain. Inability to lose weight. Fatigue. Continuing to eat gluten while having Celiac's can also cause other issues like arthritis. Basically gluten is bad. Really really bad. Gluten is the enemy. At least I can still have rice. On a quick note: Just because it says "gluten free" doesn't mean its good for you! A lot of gluten free products have increased amounts of sugar to make them taste good. Read you labels.

#2: NO Soy! What? This one shocked me. No Soy? WHYYY?? I love my soy sauce! So I can have Rice but no soy sauce on top of it? This sucks. In our class we learned that soy affects hormones. Too much of it and losing weight is damn near impossible. Especially for women. This is almost as hard as gluten to take out. Why you ask? Well because in America soy is also in everything. Soy and gluten are used as fillers in things. It will be really hard to get this out of your system, but its only for 28 days.

#3: NO Dairy! You think I'm kidding don't you? Nope no joke here. For a lot of the same reasons that gluten is removed, so is dairy! Mainly the lactose. If you're intolerant to it and still eating it you're messing with your body. So its on the no-no list for the net 28 days. We'll talk later on how to re-introduce it to find out if you are tolerant or intolerant.

#4: NO Sugar! Seriously? WTF? I mean okay obviously sugar is bad but we're running out of food groups here. Next you're going to tell me I can't have bacon.

#5: Eat Organic! This means no nitrates, preservatives etc. Aww crap. There goes my bacon. Most deli meats, hot dogs, bacon etc have nitrates. They are SUPER bad for your system. It is possible to find foods like this that are nitrate and preservative free, but try to just stay away from these foods for 28 days.

#6: NO Processed Foods! If its in a box- you can't have it. What this means is you need to go and buy all the raw ingredients for whatever you want and make it yourself. So find your inner Martha Stewart and just start making everything from scratch! You can do it!

#7: NO (please don't kill me) Alcohol! Sorry Spoons- I'm not going to be by for a month. The obvious things here no Beer/Wine/Shots/Mixers etc. However nothing containing alcohol should be consumed.

#8: NO (seriously- don't kill me) Caffeine! How am I supposed to get up in the morning? Lazy has a really hard time with this rule. I don't blame her. With a 2 year old who wont sleep through the night and still having to get up with the 5 year old to get her to school, Lazy NEEDS her caffeine. Well she asked MAD about this last year and was given the okay for ONE count it ONE 8oz cup of organic coffee/day if desired. This is not recommended however. Decaff coffee should also be avoided.

#9: NO Yeast! This group has basically been covered by other parts of the rules, I don't really understand it but its in the game plan so here we go. This means no processed foods (check), refined sugars (double check), commercially prepared condiments, breads (seriously? didn't you already tell me no gluten?), peanuts (this one surprised me), vinegar, and beer (we got it- no beer okay?)

#10: WATER WATER WATER (drink it)! Last but not least DRINK YOUR WATER! The water helps with the detox process, it gives your body a way to get rid of all the toxins, and its good for your body. It should also be purified/filtered. Part of the cleanse is knowing everything we are putting into our bodies this means making sure our water is clean as well. If you're undercutting your H20 intake every day you will not lose weight. Its part of the magical formula. So you're thinking FINE I'll drink my stinking 8 glasses of water a day. Well buddy its not that simple sadly. Everyone will need a different amount of water. So its time to do some math.

Water Formula:
Your weight / 2 = how many ounces of water you need a day for the next 28 days.

Example:

Fatty (me) @ 165lbs / 2 = 82.5

I round up- 83 now let's divide that by 8 ounces/cup = 10.3 rounded to 10.5 glasses/day.

#11: Avoid Starches: This one isn't in the actual rules but later in the pamphlet it sort of mentions not to eat a lot of starches. So I've added it here for my own personal benefit.

There is a lot to process with all of this information and if you haven't left the page yet out of disgust of all these horrible no good very bad rules (that are really amazingly good for you) here is a very important tip. Read your labels! Gluten and soy are hidden in everything. Make sure your list of ingredients is clear, short and you know everything thats in it. Spices are okay, but if your product says "Natural Seasonings" but doesn't explain what those are, it has gluten in it and possibly soy. If you cannot pronounce it- its either a preservative, a fake sugar (bad), or gluten. Don't eat it.

So here is the recap of The Rules (as promised).

#1: NO Gluten

#2: NO Soy

#3: NO Dairy

#4: NO Sugar

#5: Eat Organic

#6: NO Processed Foods

#7: NO Alcohol

#8: NO Caffeine

#9: NO Yeast

#10: Water Water Water (drink it)

#11: Avoid Starches

Preview: Coming up soon from me- the list of okay foods. This should be short as there is not a whole lot left we can eat. (Remember my slogan! hah!)

I want to point out that neither Lazy nor I are medical professionals. We are not nutritionist or personal trainers. If you want to follow along here- please go talk to your medical peeps before starting. Once again, were supervised by a trainer and a nutritionist last year when we did this, and went through classes on it. I will be sharing the information we learned along the way as well as some helpful hints and feel free to follow along- just make sure this is okay for you and your body/health before starting!

yo

hey. i'm lazy ass. it's not that i'm really lazy or anything, it's just that i don't like doing anything.

i'm what i like to call a 'uniform exerciser'. i pretty much join any sport or activity for the uniform. soccer? shin guards, cleats and cool matching socks and shirts?!?! i'm in! oh wait... running? shit. forget it. tae kwon do? snazzy white uniform and colorful belts?! sweet! oh, i have to get hit? screw that. running! jogging stroller, awesome shoes, a water bottle attached to a belt! sold! oh wait... running. we've already discussed running. its not like i'm instantly against any of those. i join whole heartedly. i kick butt. i'm in love. i passionately tell everyone i know about the cool new thing i'm doing. i try to convince them all that they should do it too. eventually, the excitement fades. i realize that i'm exhausted from not sleeping all night due to my 2 year old who is apparently trying for the longest period of time without sleeping and i don't want to get up at 5 am. i make excuses. at the time, they all seem legit. i back the excuses and am ready to defend them and jump on anyone who tries to argue with them. in the end, i know its me and knowing that sucks.

i'm a late night eater. i make the kids healthy meals, eat healthy with them then splurge when they go to bed or when they're not looking. i also have a bottomless pit of a stomach. i genuinely have no sign of being full until i'm ready to spew. i'm sure this is all self induced. i've spent many a nights googling some exotic disorder that makes it impossible for me to know when i'm full but, truth is, i've done it to myself.

this blog isn't some giant diet and transformation that's going to happen all night. i'm taking it slowly this time. i want my kids to grow up seeing what healthy eating habits are, not crash diets and living in front of my computer on the couch (btw, i'm going to need to take my cushion in for some extra filling as its starting to have the shape of my butt imprinted on it). i've let myself go over the last couple of months. i've lost me under this newfound layer of blubber. i've run into a bunch of reasons why i've gotten too heavy for my own good like 1) i'm very close to not being able to see the numbers on the scale. i'm sure that's more due to shrinkage of the scale seeing as it's in the bathroom and it gets steamy in there but still. 2) i used to be a pretty good ice skater. i wasn't a professional or anything but i could hold my own. i tried it the other day and 3 feet onto the ice i realized i just wasted 15 dollars. thankfully my two year old, H, felt the same way about ice skating and i had to take him off. *thank you H!* 3) when i go up the stairs or move at any pace faster than a lazy walk, the saddle bags on my butt hurt. when the hell did that happen?! i'm hoping its a sign that they're about to fall off. 4) my jeans don't button. damn dryer. i've become a leggings wearer and not just for fashion. they fit, they stretch.

anyways, i have to go take M (my 5 year old) to a play date so i'll update more soon. my idea of soon may be a little different than your idea of soon but it will happen. i promise.

yours,

lazy ass

Greetings and Salutations.

Well hello there... 

Welcome... 

Come in and have a seat wont you? 

My name is Fatty, and I'm going to be sharing a year of amazing and horrible experiences with you.  Why you ask? Well because myself and my sister Lazy Ass thought it would be so exciting for you all to follow along as we try to desperately change our lifestyles. 

It may not seem to be entertaining now, but I assure you it will be.  When we started going to the gym a year ago you would not believe the funny things that happened and were said throughout our experiences.  This year we thought we would bring you all along on our crazy adventure as we jump back into the gym and healthy eating.  

Here is a little (long) background for you:

I am overweight (hence the amazingly creative self-given nickname of Fatty). I accepted this fact a little over a year ago.  Let me tell you I was way in denial. No not the river, the state of mind.  I wasn't so far gone that I was one of those fat chicks that wears the clothes that are WAY too small to try to give the optical illusion that I am indeed skinny, but I didn't realize that I was as fat as I truly was. I wore clothes that fit and most of you will never believe how big I was.  At the start of 2011 I weighed 205lbs. Yep. That number shocks me every time I see it. 

I wasn't happy about my weight but I had settled into it.  I had accepted my size 18 jeans and had convinced myself that I just could not lose weight.  So I unhappily moved through life. It wasn't until I started having some health problems that I realized I needed to change my diet.  Stabbing pain in your gallbladder for two weeks and several trips to the ER/Doctor/Vampire (they draw vials of blood, perhaps you have heard of them?) will really help convince someone it's time to make some changes. So I cut out some things from my diet and saw no changes in my waist line.

Finally one day I looked in the mirror and was surprisingly shocked.  HOLY BLUBBERING WHALE BATMAN! I ran to quickly grab my camera so I could capture proof of this land walking whale...Oh wait...thats me. Crap.  It was literally this moment that made me realize I needed an intervention, I had to find a way to remove my Siamese-Whale-Twin from my body and fast (and yes, that is a technical term).

I threw on my biggest oversize shirt (that turned out to not be all that over-sized any more) and some more comfortable, dare I say it, spandex pants and started working out.  Right there in my bedroom, staring this whale down in the mirror.  It did not take very long of my running in place to realize that not only had I acquired a whale, but I was seriously out of shape.  Long were the days of spending 6-8-hours in a row in dance classes. I could barely breath after a minute of this activity.  Hmm. Onto crunches...I could always do mass amounts of crunches in high-school.  Yeah no... that was 10 years ago.  Not happening.  Well I sadly gave up and got into bed.  

I didn't rest very well, I couldn't stop thinking that I needed a plan.  I finally decided I needed to go back to the gym.  I had this amazing membership to one of the best gyms in the area and it had been years since I had really used it...well besides going to the pool to order drinks from the really cute cabana boy.  WHAT?! Don't judge...that's totally working out.  I had to turn my head as I read my magazine...and I totally flipped over every 15 minutes or so. 

So this was it...tomorrow I go back to my gym and overcome my fear of being laughed at.  It's strange the things that get into your head.  I was worried I would be judged for being so overweight in a gym. The next night I put back on my most comfy and baggy clothes, grabbed my headphones and my iPhone and drove down to the gym.  I checked in, dropped stuff in a locker, grabbed my water bottle and a towel and headed up the flight of stairs to the gym floor (this place is cruel..I have to climb a flight of stairs to work out?! Where is the elevator?). I made it agonizingly through 25 minutes on an elliptical.  10 years ago that would have been a joke for me. Yet here I was red faced, sweaty, and trying carefully to catch my breath without letting anyone around me know I could not breathe.  That was day 1 of my changing. 

Over the next few months I spent a lot of time in the gym, taking classes, receiving a lot of help from an amazing trainer who goes by MAD.  I even took part in a 28 day cleanse that was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  At the end of 4 months of religiously eating well, and working out I had lost 40lbs.  Yep. That's right, the chick who "couldn't" lose weight did. And a lot of it. I felt GREAT. It wasn't easy, it was a lot of work and mainly took a lot of self motivation and self control, two things I am not so great at.  It also helped that Lazy Ass was with me every step of the way. 

Throughout all this I started doing things that to me were completely amazing.  I am not a runner.  I never have been.  However after getting over my illogical fear of the gym, I decided this whole runner thing was just in my head.  Why can't I run? Well besides the fact that I never have ran, or that I haven't trained, or that I don't actually own running shoes (Apparently Sketcher's "Shape-Up" walking shoes don't count as running shoes).  NONSENSE. I CAN RUN! 

Five days away there was a 5k/10k run. I could at least walk it and get exercise right? Lazy Ass was right there with me.  We started "training" if you an call it that.  The first day it was more like a leisurely stroll through on one of the most beautiful trails with the kids.  We'd even stop to look at the squirrels, oh how they were merry. Oh, and to pet that completely adorable puppy (Can you blame us?.) After that first race where I ended up doing the 10k and Lazy Ass proved to not be so lazy and run the whole distance of the 5k without stopping, we signed up for a few more races together and had a lot of fun completing them.  She would do the 5k and run, I would do the 10k and stick to a run/walk interval. 

It wasn't too long that Lazy Ass and I started to fall off the wagon.  We'd have a little cake here, skip a cycle class there. Eventually I had no idea where my gym card was, and I was really just too busy with my life to bother to find it. OH and I started school which was taking up a lot of my time, oh and my baby has become a toddler and thats just so much work and time, I think you get the picture of the mass amounts of excuses I have now built back up.

Since then I have not even thought for a moment about what to eat.  I've been being a true fatty for the last 4 months. Pie, cake, cupcakes, cookies, eating out non stop, drinking etc.  My caloric intake is unheard of! I luckily have not put any weight back on but I feel horrible.  My bounding energy that I had found is gone, my gallbladder is so not happy with me, I'm breaking out like a teenager.  Each time I look into the mirror I can hear my whale half laughing at me.  And last night after some emails back and forth with Lazy Ass it hit me. I need to get back on the wagon and this time never get off. 

So starting January 1st, 2012 I'm going to war with my whale. Once and for all.  I have 35lbs to go and I'm giving myself a year to do it in.  So come along with Lazy Ass and I and join in for what I promise you will include many hilarious moments as we show that anyone can become healthy.