Well OBVIOUSLY I fell off the wagon. No, not only because I have not posted in a few months, but because there are serious wheel marks all down my back and my face has been thoroughly shoved down into the mud. I'm a mess. Sure I was making progress, but you know what happened? I stopped. I hit another plateau. And I got depressed. Really depressed. I started thinking about how I will never be able to eat like a "normal" human again. You know, "normal" that word that really means everyone but you when you're comparing yourself to others. I started feeling like everyone could enjoy what they ate besides me. By the way "normal" in no way means "healthy". I was thinking of the "normal" junk-food-overeating-American-way-of-eating-normal. I LOVE my food. I love to eat. And you know what, I was going to eat. Eff-it. I'm over the whole diet thing, I mean hey, what could really happen? So I gain a few pounds back, but at least I'm enjoying life again and enjoying what I was eating.
If only it were that simple. I'm making bad food choices again, and that means I'm being a bad roll model for the kiddo. This simply will not do. I didn't just gain back a few pounds, I gained back A LOT of pounds, so much that my jeans that were almost too big for me at the end of January are now a touch too small. The worst was hearing people say "Don't let all your hard work go to waste". Great cause that only makes me feel worse.
Food and I have a vicious cycle, best described by Fat Bastard: "I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I eat." I get upset that I'm not losing weight, so I sabotage myself and end up gaining weight back, then I get upset that I'm gaining weight back so I eat more because "it doesn't matter". Then I gain MORE weight and I eat MORE food. How many of you have been where I am? I had this speech that I gave about 6 months ago to a friend talking about excuses. I was ragging on about making too many excuses for being overweight. And you know what, I was back in that mode after 2 years of being out of it. It MUST be the gluten, if I just stop eating gluten it will go away. I CAN'T lose weight so why bother? I'll never be "skinny". I was a downward spiral going way out of control. Not only was dairy back in my diet, but gluten was.
So again I found myself standing in front of the mirror looking at my whale of a twin wondering how in the WORLD did I get here? I had a picture taken of me the other day and realized how bad it really was. I totally imagined that I looked so much skinner than I do. My face is starting to show my increase in weight, I have a muffin top in my size 12s. Life is not good. I'm not healthy any more. I need change.
I need help with changing.
I realized I don't do so well on my own. I need supervision. I need help. I need someone who is going to TELL me what to do each day and how to do it. And more, I need something besides Paleo. I enjoy a lot of Paleo meals, and I still think that Paleo is great, but it is not always so realistic in today's society. I cannot always eat at restaurant that are only organic. There are going to be times I want to go to the movies and enjoy some popcorn. There are going to be times I'm going to want that horribly bad for me Pazookie from BJ's (hey at least it's gluten free). I need to find a balance between the Paleo diet and my real life.
As I was feeling down I was out with my mom at the farmers market. Looking at all the organic veggies and finding that for the first time in days I was actually hungry. That was an exciting feeling, my body was craving healthy foods. My body was begging for fuel. Next thing I know my daughter is pulling me towards the kettle corn stand. Okay I think, popcorn is not that great for you, but in the scheme of things its not too bad. So I order her a small and offer some to my mom.
"Nope" she says, "I can't have that.".
I'm confused. My mom LOVES popcorn more than I do. "What do you mean you can't have that?"
"I mean that I can't have that. It's not on my diet."
WHOA WHOA WHOA...hold your horsey there Skippy, diet? My mom on a diet? The last diet my mom was on was diet coke. I'm shocked but then worried. The last real diet I remember her trying was Atkins, and I was worried that she was doing some crash diet.
"What 'diet' are you on?"
"I can't have anything but protein for 3 days."
Okay, cause that explains a lot. "WHAT diet is it? is it healthy, why only protein?"
"I"m doing it through a doctor it's healthy."
She goes on to explain what she is doing. The whole time I'm finding that I'm starting to feel jealous. I'm jealous because she has made the amazing decision to stop making excuses for herself and start doing something about her unhealthy lifestyle. It was one of those moments where I realized why I love my mom so much and why she has always been such an amazing role model for me. I was jealous that my mom was going to get healthy and she was making changes, but I was going to be stuck face down in the mud with only my whale twin to keep me company. This would not do. So I get more information, she is going through a doctor, it costs a lot of money and insurance won't pay for it.
Can someone explain to me why insurance companies are willing to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for bypass surgeries, and staple surgeries and lap band surgeries, but they are not willing to pay for a health care provider to monitor your eating habits and make sure you are loosing weight in a healthy manor? I mean it is a FRACTION of the price to just give us some guidance and such than it is to have surgery.
I end up finding out that this weight loss doctor is also a PCM, interesting...I need a new PCM. Reviews are great, seems to be a good person. So a plan hatches. MUAHAHAHA. I will switch to him as my PCM...then see if he can prescribe this weightless treatment plan. I mean my mom is with Kaiser so anything she does outside of them is not covered. But if I'm his patient then just maybe! So we come to today. My evil plan of tricking the doctor is going to come up. I have my in take appointment. I have never met with a nicer PCM. He listened, and sat there and answered every question I had about every health problem I've EVER had and gave me advice and options for each one. We finally got to the weight one. He goes over his plan and why he is confident it will work for me. There was a moment where I wondered if I was talking to a Used Car Salesmen. I was so convinced that I NEEDED this.
But then it hit me. I did NEED this. This was not a want this was a need. Granted it is expensive and I do not have much free money for myself each month. But you know what. I can't live like this. I NEED change. So he works some things out with me to get some of the things covered by insurance (like the labs, tests etc). I do some quick math in my head and realize that I'm not leaving the house for any reason over the next three months, but I'm in.
You know what happened in that moment. I was happy. I had a plan. He had a goal for me and he was confident I would reach my goal in 8-12 weeks. 8-12 weeks to hit my end goal. But treatment doesn't end at just reaching the goal. It continues far beyond that until I have fully changed my lifestyle and learn how NOT to put the weight back on. So I can learn how to fit in that Pazookie every now and then, or that popcorn. Not only am I happy, but I"m excited. I also started thinking that I know why I did so well the first time I did the Paleo cleanse. I PAID for it. I was paying to be apart of a group of people who were all doing the cleanse. I was paying to have the trainer and the nutritionist tell me exactly what to do every step of the way. I made it 6 months last time, this time I barely made it the 28 days.
This time I'm paying for it, so I have to commit or it is just a waste of money. I have to make this work. I have to find a way to change my life so I can pass on good eating habits to my daughter. So here I go again. Fatty against the Whale. I can still make my yearly goal. I can still change my lifestyle I can still do it. I had a set back but I will not accept failure.
May 18th I start my new program, and if you're interested come along for the ride. Here is to never having to write Fatty vs the Whale (take 3).
