weigh ins and a scale on strike

tomorrow is weigh in day. the problem? my scale is broken. every time i step on it, it says Err. i've taken this to mean one of two things a) i've lost so much weight my scale has freaked out and is out celebrating or 2) i've gained all the weight back and my scale has given up hope. i really hope it's the first and it will be back in a few days with a nasty hangover causing it to leave off some extra digits.

i have not been perfect in this journey. for some reason, i can't find the will power to say no as i was once able to. i have learned a big reason why it's so much harder for me this time though. i'm getting up really early to get a cranky kindergartener and a defiant toddler ready to leave the house within 3 mins of school starting. i then have to take the toddler to his grandfather's house only to rush back and put on a decent pair of clothes and jet off to help in the kindergartener's class. after helping, i head to pick up the toddler who is now ready for a nap even though we have to go get his sister in an hour so i'm seriously entertaining him to keep him awake. after picking up the big, i have to make lunches then nap both of them. at this point, i've had an insane amount of coffee and my stomach is on the verge of a boycott and i'm using the last bit of energy to throw in a load of laundry and straighten up for round two. they wake up cranky and demanding to be held as i'm getting them ready for afternoon activities. by 5 pm, i'm starving and we're rarely home at that point. my choices for food are narrowed and my inhibitions are lowered. i need food. any food. i would eat cat food at that point. i cave and eat something mildly okay then have horrible guilt and end up eating some crap food later on swearing i'll do better the next day. realistically, it never happens that way. i'm on a vicious rinse/repeat cycle swearing the next day will be different.

i'm starting to come up with a solid plan though. i need to wake up earlier and force myself to eat. before i hit the on switch for the coffee pot, something better be cooking. when i pack the kids lunches, i will make extra baggies of approved snacks for me to carry along, even if its just to get me to my next meal. i will make sure we come home for dinner, even if it means preparing extra snacks to hold the kids over until we get home. i wish i had come up with this plan sooner. i wish i could walk away from this saying 'i did it! i accomplished something!' but i honestly don't feel like i did. for this reason, i'm going to continue on with the program for an extra month. i will celebrate what i did manage to do at the end of this month. i will enjoy a burger but maybe skip the bun. i will praise my efforts more and be a little less hard on myself. i will not cave to the feeling of 'oh, i already failed, what difference does it make.' i look at my partner in crime (Fatty) and am amazed at how well she has stuck to this. her will power and desire to change her life is amazing. she is going to be my role model for the upcoming months.

oh, and i will also attempt to do that exercising thing.... ugh. wish me luck.