errors

i've done pretty well the last few days. i failed today and ordered a gingerbread latte then changed it to a black coffee. it was my second cup. i also failed at the end of the day. i wanted to eat everything sweet in my kitchen but settled on a glass (or six) of wine. it could have been worse. normally i'd consider the whole day as a fail and eat everything in sight but instead, i'm going to call it quits after my wine. i consider that a success. a minor success but a success at that. i'm also considering joining a dance class. the last time i danced was for a minute at dvc which i don't really count. the real last time i danced is what i feel ended my dancing "career". i was a jazz dancer. i wasn't amazing but i enjoyed it and i was good enough at the time to be able to minor in it at my community college. my teacher was awesome sans the diet coke and cigarette diet she preferred us to be on. i was all of 100 lbs so it didn't matter much to me. she sent me off to some audition for a disney tour in japan. i got there and freaked out. i couldn't do it. i had a million reasons why i walked out of there like i wasn't blond enough or thin enough or good enough but basically, i lost faith in myself. i tried to rekindle it for an audition for the superbowl half time show. i kicked butt. i made it through the first cut and saw my name on that list. on the second cut, they brought the video cameras in to document it for the news. i knew i had to try my hardest and instead of focusing on what i was doing, i decided to show off for the cameras. i went for a double stag and came to turn out of it and my knee buckled. it literally bent the other way. i barely hobbled out of there in tears. needless to say, i didn't make the cut. i had surgery on my knee for a torn meniscus and instead of dancing with my friends, i got to watch them all performing at the half time show while i was all bandaged up... on my birthday. i stopped dancing then. i lost all faith that i could do anything well in life. my kids have rekindled that but i still believe that has to do with them and not me. i want to dance again but i have a huge fear of failing. of not living up to what i thought i can do. maybe, part of this 'life changing event' will bring me closer to being able to enjoy dancing for me again. to be able to be proud of something i did again. or maybe i'll just look semi-awesome in a bathing suit. i'd be happy with either.

ps. i told some of the parents that i was going to start running to the school to pick up M. i told them that i was running so i would have to do it. either that or i'm going to park my car at the end of the street and spray my face with water so it looks like i broke a sweat. i haven't decided yet.