Chips-and-dip-aholic

Well I really did it....I went WAY off track last night.  Not completely off the diet/cleanse, but I way overate and I'm paying for it.

Let me set the scene for you, family dinner, birthday celebration, Mexican restaurant.  I love mexican.  I was nervous at first.  Last year when I did the cleanse I think I had way more self motivation.  If my family was going out to a restaurant last year, I would skip it unless it was on my approved restaurant list.  (There are really only like 2 in the area that I feel are okay to eat at during the cleanse.)  However last night I was weak.  It was Lazy's birthday and man I have been craving Mexican.

I had no idea what I could order...everything has dairy and I already had my dairy this week.  I have been trying to limit my dairy even though it was cleared for me to eat after the cleanse last year.  Looking over the menu I thought I found something safe- the taco salad, minus the sour cream.  I left the cheese on it as it is just a little bit sprinkled on the top.  Pinto beans, lettuce, chicken, tomatoes.  Not a bad meal to be honest.

However the chips were 100% corn.  You know what that means? GLUTEN FREE.  Chips are my downfall.  I'm a huge chips and dip girl.  I don't think you can really ever go wrong with chips and dip.  Some good restaurant corn chips with in house made salsa....the best of the chips and dip family.  I easily ate a basket of chips all by myself.  Then I demolished my salad.  It was like I had never seen food before. By the end of the meal I was SO STUFFED I thought I would literally explode.

Was it worth it? Normally I would say yes, I love food.  But this time I'm really disappointed with myself.  I had a goal to hit 155 before the end of this cleanse and I am not so sure it is going to happen now as I have gained some serious weight from my fun eating last night.  Hell it was really more like binge eating. Add that to the binge eating from Sunday's game and what has happened is I have really back tracked.  Why is my motivation so much different this year than last year?

To start to compensate for my Mexican downfall from last night I went out for a run this morning.  I started out with my brisk walk to warm up sent a quick text to lazy to let her know I was out being active.  (she always makes me feel so supported and excited to run.) And then I went to put on my carefully constructed playlist.....that apparently was no longer on my phone....along with all of my music which has magically disappeared since last night.  Except one album.  Glee's Christmas album.  Well.  Some music is better than none.  At least I thought it would be. There is just something about trying to run to Blue Christmas that just isn't right.  My pace was horrible, I was not pumped up.  In fact I just really wanted to get home, get under a blanket and start a fire in the fire place.  It was really not good music to run to.  I got two miles down at my standard 15/min/mile pace.  I did not burn near as many calories as I would have liked, but I am determined to at least get back to 158, if not 155 in the next few days.

Lazy mentioned continuing with the cleanse for another month.  Unfortunately you cannot take the pills and the PaleoCleanse for more than the 28 days, on the bright side you can do the cleanse ever few months.  So my goal will be to keep up with the diet (gluten free, sugar free, soy free etc) as long as possible now instead of just staying gluten free.  I need to make up some serious ground for last night.

weigh ins and a scale on strike

tomorrow is weigh in day. the problem? my scale is broken. every time i step on it, it says Err. i've taken this to mean one of two things a) i've lost so much weight my scale has freaked out and is out celebrating or 2) i've gained all the weight back and my scale has given up hope. i really hope it's the first and it will be back in a few days with a nasty hangover causing it to leave off some extra digits.

i have not been perfect in this journey. for some reason, i can't find the will power to say no as i was once able to. i have learned a big reason why it's so much harder for me this time though. i'm getting up really early to get a cranky kindergartener and a defiant toddler ready to leave the house within 3 mins of school starting. i then have to take the toddler to his grandfather's house only to rush back and put on a decent pair of clothes and jet off to help in the kindergartener's class. after helping, i head to pick up the toddler who is now ready for a nap even though we have to go get his sister in an hour so i'm seriously entertaining him to keep him awake. after picking up the big, i have to make lunches then nap both of them. at this point, i've had an insane amount of coffee and my stomach is on the verge of a boycott and i'm using the last bit of energy to throw in a load of laundry and straighten up for round two. they wake up cranky and demanding to be held as i'm getting them ready for afternoon activities. by 5 pm, i'm starving and we're rarely home at that point. my choices for food are narrowed and my inhibitions are lowered. i need food. any food. i would eat cat food at that point. i cave and eat something mildly okay then have horrible guilt and end up eating some crap food later on swearing i'll do better the next day. realistically, it never happens that way. i'm on a vicious rinse/repeat cycle swearing the next day will be different.

i'm starting to come up with a solid plan though. i need to wake up earlier and force myself to eat. before i hit the on switch for the coffee pot, something better be cooking. when i pack the kids lunches, i will make extra baggies of approved snacks for me to carry along, even if its just to get me to my next meal. i will make sure we come home for dinner, even if it means preparing extra snacks to hold the kids over until we get home. i wish i had come up with this plan sooner. i wish i could walk away from this saying 'i did it! i accomplished something!' but i honestly don't feel like i did. for this reason, i'm going to continue on with the program for an extra month. i will celebrate what i did manage to do at the end of this month. i will enjoy a burger but maybe skip the bun. i will praise my efforts more and be a little less hard on myself. i will not cave to the feeling of 'oh, i already failed, what difference does it make.' i look at my partner in crime (Fatty) and am amazed at how well she has stuck to this. her will power and desire to change her life is amazing. she is going to be my role model for the upcoming months.

oh, and i will also attempt to do that exercising thing.... ugh. wish me luck.